More movement

It's the same office that it's been since October. Fifty dollars a visit to figure things out. Life. To learn what to be curious about. To learn what not to be judgmental of. The same turn to the right at the cinema, across from a smoky bar. Down a flight of stairs, to a room where I try not to see the others that are there. Upstairs to the same third floor office. A comfortable place, the same spot for my coffee in front of the clock on the table. Bag down, jacket off. "How's it going?" the standard greeting. A stenographer pad that someday would make an amazing case study. Successful, but dissatisfied. Unable to let go of things that are painful and damaging. And today was the first day I saw the frustration beam over. An eye roll, a fast apology. Of something she's wanted to say for ages, and something I've spent my time trying to avoid. Since the first time in a different office nearly a year ago. My emotional attachments are only to something hurtful. Sometimes honest, but unclear in waht construction. I am learning, certainly no innocent bystander. Parts of myself I don't like, insecurities that need to be fathomed. But why do I continue to seek out something that now only results in falling apart because I've hurt someone (or feeling self-centered in I'm only concerned about how it affects me), or waiting with anxiety for the next time I fuck up. How do you change those intial, visceral reactions of wanting forgiveness and acceptance. How do you reconcile what in retrospect are often good memories with how painful the arc has actually been? How much self control is it going to take not to pick up the phone- and to dred the person on the other end not answering? Can I be something else? Who else would that new person find- and will there always be this nostalgia for whatever this uncertainty is, this slightly foreboding discomfort?

Transferring these feelings of pain into anger. That was the prediction of where they would go- and acting on them rather than just feeling them deeply. is anger a more suitable emotion, more palateable than being a victim?